Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.

My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.

Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.

I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.

The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.

You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.

me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok

My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.

That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?

This guy must be getting annoyed by now

As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

me: *imagining it* no but I want to

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.

Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.

You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.

Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”

Boss: “It’s 9am”

“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg

stormtrooper: *sighs*

A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.

Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.

Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew he was the one.

Me: I’m in tears

Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??