[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
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Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off