[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
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[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.
Me: And the drawback?
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]