Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷

[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.

my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?

there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”

“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”

My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach

– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.

If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

Sober me: I hate drunk people

Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.

Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

I got a sweater for Christmas.

I’d asked for a screamer or a moaner.

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

3yo: *follows me into bathroom*

Me: “Privacy, please”

3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*

“Now we have privacy, Mommy”

If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …

Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.

Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus

Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…