Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.

My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.

Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.

“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad

My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.

Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat

So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on

Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.

[hosting a party]

Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.

Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*

Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?

Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.

I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.

Me. I hit him.

Dad, did you let the parrot name me?

– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.

today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize

You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today

Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.

Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart

A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard

It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.

For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.

My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.