Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.

dude it’s called proctologist

No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut

[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]

simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!

nala:

simba:

nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:

If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.

Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.

Her: I agree but can we land first?

Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.

What, I’m Asian?

*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*

*buys a bonsai tree*

ACCEPTABLE RISK

Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.

“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine

Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.

99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.

8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”

8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*

If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.

Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!

Judge: That is literally what is happening here.

If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U

John Wick: contract killer

John Wink: lady killer 😉

PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence

I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it