Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…a raise?

HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?

Me: I’d like to report a hacking!

I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!

I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.

*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*

Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.

Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?

What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?

Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂

Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE

Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right

i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name

*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*

“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”

My favorite fruit salad is sangria.

*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend

I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.

If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”

You can avoid every meeting.

You’re welcome.

Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.

There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.

If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.

Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.

Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.