Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.

The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.

Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.

Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.

My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.

I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.

I’m raising an evil genius.

Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.

Sincerely,
Women

My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:

For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash

“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’

Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…

*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.

My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out

“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”

— Centipede parents

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people

ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search

Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!

My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.

My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him

From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.

Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running

When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.