Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
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I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Day 2 of my diet
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Best seat on the street 😍
