Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
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Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close