Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
You Might Also Like
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
All excellent questions
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
all that yoga finally paid off
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.