Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
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Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’