Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly

I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.

This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them

Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one

a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.

[meeting my gf’s parents]

gf: just please be serious

me: ok

[later]

gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now

me: I DID MY WAITING

gf: oh no

me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT

gf: please

me: IN AZKABAN

My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy

Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

Proof that kids sometimes listen…

5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?

Me: I’m dressed

5: Those look like pajamas

Me:

5: Did you brush your teeth?

Me: Yes

5: Let me smell

*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*

My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?

did… did they arrest the mountain lions

When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.

“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone

[Wonder Woman shows up]

Superman: Is she with you?

Batman: I thought she was with you?

Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today

Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.

me: are you checking me out

librarian: yes

[showing off my distressed jeans]

jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH

Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]

Her: are you alright?

Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW

My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.

I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.

[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”

*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death

My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.