Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it

“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation

[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?

I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.

You have two wolves inside you.

Should have ordered an appetizer.

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this

So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?

OK Broomer

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die

the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.

i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.

I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.

me: how did he die?

him: he was attacked by a gang of geese

me: gaggle?

him: no I think it was a stabbing

I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.

I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…

Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party