“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
You Might Also Like
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Look, a pure bread cat!
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Glad they’re banning TikTok. It’ll be nice to be reunited with my kids, and see how much they’ve grown over the years.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
My time has come.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”