@IAmMikeFeeney

“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server

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@BattyMclain

My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.

@OurMarketingGuy

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

@sixfootcandy

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

@roxiqt

[God making spaghetti]

ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?

GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.

@AntozWolf

I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.

@Fred_Delicious

*cop bursts into bathroom*
“KID DON’T FLUSH THOSE DRUGS!”
*toilet is wearing shades*
“damn. we’re too late”
*toilet rides off on motorcycle*

@VisionBored1

We go on a date. I order mozzarella sticks. You watch as I put nine of them in my mouth at once. You think this bodes well for later. It doesn’t. I am lactose intolerant.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

@WittySassBasket

M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?