“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
You Might Also Like
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room