“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
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This story is comedy gold 😂
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum