When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
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When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.