Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.

Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.

People underestimate the Pacific.

Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head

30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle

40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”

when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”

My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”

That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”

Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep

Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?

Leave this on his windshield.

My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up

So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.

Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”

Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?

‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’

me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years

You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs

Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.

me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava

doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan

her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin

me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard