Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂

How much for the sentient racist skeleton?

“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”

If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday

CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult

[ark]

SHEM:It’s full

NOAH:Full?

SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space

NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen

364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.

1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.

Zordon: go find me some high schoolers

Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?

Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex

I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks

My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.

When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.

Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.

* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *

My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.

My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS

There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.

cat vs inanimate object

My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.

Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone

Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.

When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.

The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.

No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.

Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan

Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor