[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
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I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Pretty much. 🤣
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.