[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
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wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.