Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.

I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.

“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”

-Me laying face down on the floor

Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.

A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.

[seaworld]

“Hey what happened to the new guy?”

-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6

“But there’s a shark in tan..”

-BINGO!

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket

Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado

Barista: What’s a furtado?

Me: It’s like a bird

YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!

My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.

Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die

women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister

When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.

I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.

*seductively corrects your posture*

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

4: am i asleep?

me:

4: mom??

me: i…i feel like this is a trick

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

How far is it from the Earth to the sun?

10 CVS receipts.

“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”

My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.

WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

friend: I was named after my father

me: *aware of how time flows* correct

Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”

You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”