Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*

Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge

Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.

Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.

~me as a motivational speaker

[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”

I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:

“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”

MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT

“Did you check his hand?”

NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait

shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice

Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.

Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*

Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.

scares

My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men

please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke

-hearing my dog about to puke

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.

The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you

Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.

Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.

*accidentally makes crinkling noise.

Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.