Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…

something like this could probably happen to anyone

Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.

*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again

It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food

Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.

I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.

My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*

[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]

Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.

I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

There is wisdom there.

Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.

* charges phone.

Phone: wrong hole.

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”

“Nothing matters….”

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok