[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
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Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!