[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
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The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.