Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water

I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.

I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”

The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly

dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’

I just love that new Pope smell.

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers

My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*

When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side

DATING: Goodnight

ENGAGED: Sweet dreams

MARRIED: Is the car locked?

I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.

Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.

Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.

The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD

I like my women like I like my bugs…

In my bed 😬

Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.

There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too

Stress balls work better if you have good aim.