Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”

Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.

When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…

“Can I get a umm…”

-every person ever at the drive thru

You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.

In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.

“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”

~A parent’s memoir.

[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*

Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.

If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.

My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.

Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.

If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.

I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”

A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”

Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.

Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”

My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila