Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
