Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
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i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish