Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

They grow up so quick

I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.

A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

(First date)

Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …

(Gaming support cat.)

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

*walks into interview*

Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.

*walks out of interview*

My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

COP: Know why I stopped you?

“Drag racing?”

COP: Nope.

“Speeding?”

COP: Definitely not.

“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”

COP: That’s the one.

I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.

Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist

No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.

Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch

Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.

Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.

My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.

whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time