Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
I would like even faster food.
🙀🙀🙀😹
I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
*ernest hemingway voice*
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
