Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
There are no kids named Durf if you’re looking for a void to fill.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
roses are red
i fall when i skate
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Me too
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.
…No, YOU shut up.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
