Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
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Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…