Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
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“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
friend saw this guy on the apps lol
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back