Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
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Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
la cocaina
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Um … Hot Wings please
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now