Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight

Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.

making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”

“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.

wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.

me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.

[5am]

Cat: *retching in the hallway*

Me: *tired moan*

My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

[bedtime]

SON: Can you leave the light on?

ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?

SON: What?

ME: What?

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

“Have you had a shower today?”

Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.