Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
You Might Also Like
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.