Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Give me $50

Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy

W: Eh?

M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers

W: IDIOT

M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!

W: I despise you

Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.

Or met people.

god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec

angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad

Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.

ugh not again

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

Bond. Trauma bond.

No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.

He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.

MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.

ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something

Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.

Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

[Job interview]

employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!

me: I hope that’s ok-

emp: when can he start?

me: WHAT?!

cat: meow

emp: great!

me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!

*Pulls up to drive-thru window*

“Extra toilet paper please”

Do you mean napkins?

“Sure, whatever”

Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.

My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat