Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🚲+physics = winner

2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭

I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.

Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning

Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol

Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.

“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”

people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey

i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians

mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.

I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension

Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”

Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

ME: we need to talk

BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—

ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all

My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.