Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now

I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?

Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.

MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.

Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.

My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”

1-year-old: *screeches*

3-year-old: *screeches back*

Me: What’s wrong?

3: We’re dinosaurs

I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.

I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud

Me: I won’t let anything control me!

My bladder: Lmao

You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.

Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all

[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?

If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?

My mom was right. My face did stay this way.

If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.

Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta

Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.

Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.

It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.

Strange

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”