Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason

Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.

Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.

DATING: Goodnight

ENGAGED: Sweet dreams

MARRIED: Is the car locked?

My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.

me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners

love pickles so much i put myself in one

NASA has no chill

Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛

HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?

Me: imma stop you right there

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.

i meant to share this earlier

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS

*breaks glass*

*a glazed honey ham pops out*

“Nice nice”

bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”

Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.

Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.

Dude t-rex: 😑

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it

[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box

“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”