Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
You Might Also Like
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret