Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
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Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains