excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
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WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
This guy gets it.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
I love you…
…r dog.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel