Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Would you remarry if I died?

Wife: Yes.

Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?

Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?

Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”

Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”

Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???

Dog: meh

Me *falls asleep*

Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out

My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?

Microwave:
Me: *waves back*

Me: Go ahead.

Waiter: Huh?

Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.

Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

Become a minion. Get that bread.

Super Hand Dog Face

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.

[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.

The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.

Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean

I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.

Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious

If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.

growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow

[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.

Going for a poo could spell trouble!

[detention facility]

Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?

Jeoff: loitering

#DesignFail

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.