Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!

#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

Me: I’d like a neck tattoo

Tattoo artist: okay, of what?

Me: I just told you

Tattoo artist:

Me: on my forearm

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE

Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.

You: “Call me crazy but..”

Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing

Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?

Nothing this big stays secret.

Just Google them.

There’s probably a torrent somewhere.

Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic

i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.

At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.

That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?

Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.

My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.

It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.

I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder

I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.

This feels like a totally reasonable reaction

#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty

You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.

When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.

[Ouija board in Starbucks]

“Speak to me spirits”

O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G

G R O S S