excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
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Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
me adding lol on a serious message
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
