excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
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GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
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Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?