Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”

Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”

Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death

do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

Love this one 😂🧟

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

Did you get that psychic damage I sent you

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you

PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.

An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.

making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating

rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*

shaggy: this is serious she has me on video

rikrok: say it wasn’t u?

shaggy: ok i’m gonna go

Me: (singing along with the car radio)

Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?

Me: No, why?

Friend: So you don’t have to.

I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.

I mean, why knot?

#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on

Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play

8yo: Gotcha, Daddy

Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?

9yo: yes

Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?

9yo: right…

Me: SWEET

9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month

i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy

Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.

Some only once.

Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose

[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.