Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
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Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.