Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.

my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane

I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.

For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.

Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.

Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.

Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast

Doggies just call it style.

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*

It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

Me: We are leaving in an hour

Teens: Okay

*58 mins later*

Teens: *start cooking their lunch*

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.

DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good

ME: and?

DR. height and weight are both average for her age

ME: and?

DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal

ME: aaaaaaand?

DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore

ME: oh thank god

*3.5 thank you very much.

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.

And send.

joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece

The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not

My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks

Ideas for getting more exercise:

– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.