Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
You Might Also Like
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
i hate you platonically
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.