Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
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*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
This is always good for a laugh.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.