EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
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“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.