Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*lays down on the battlefield*

You all go on without me. I’m tired.

*in the car*

dog: where we going?

me: to the neuter clinic

dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!

me: no. your nuts

I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.

Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.

And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”

[watching action movie]

*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*

me: damn, I bet that felt really good

Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?

Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”

[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.

I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah

*holds seashell to ear*

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.

[on deathbed – calls for son]

“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”

My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning

*Starts to vacuum

Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.

How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.

buyer: does this van have child locks

me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it

The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.

Sell your car

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout

The ample amount of cheese on anything is more

(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?

Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.

I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.

Send help.

I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.

Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious

Baking is just science you can eat.