Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!

My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this

Please let me in.. 😂

Sound on

You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.

People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}

a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target

Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me

Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.

I’ll let myself out.

Sister: What can I get your kids this year?

Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?

Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.

Me:

Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?

[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!

Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale

the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there

WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*

Am I having a stroke?

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night

me: yeah they say most people do

him: but they’re usually asleep

me (crunching): semantics semantics

him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.