Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.

Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES

Also me: is 40

Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.

Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.

Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.

My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.

I was very concerned with my Grandma today

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best

Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.

Me: I banged your Mom.

My Son: I know, Dad. I know.

I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?

new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.

99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.

It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.

It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire

Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.

I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.

fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank

6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?

Me: You broke my juicer.

6: When I juiced that play dough?

M: yep

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

I could win awards for having a bad memory.

In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.

I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.

(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.