Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was an ugly baby.

It’s been downhill since then.

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*

HAHAHA

*runs away giggling*

pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.

ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.

only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday

“Can you describe your self in two words?”

– Lazy.

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.

Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.

[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”

You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.

when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”

Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds

Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.

one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere

[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]

“Rest in peace.”

My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.

If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.

I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.

them: what are you think-

me: FOOD

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.

His name was Tom.

I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.

Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”

Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.