Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
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if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.