Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Proctologist = Analyst
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
