A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
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Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
crazy
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
#milo
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me: