Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today

Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.

Punctuation Matters. Period.

A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does

You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.

Lol

They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.

Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long

SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.

getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib

I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?

“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.

Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.

If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business

The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.

Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

Inside you there are two wolves

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.

I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.

NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs

SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail

NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug

SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?

NOAH:

SLUG:

NOAH: karaoke’s at 7

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.