Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed

Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.

*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..

* whole family gasps while gazing intently*

Me: …so many…DM Rooms

What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?

E-Lawn

People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.

Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea

I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

me: *barges into the room*

How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.

thank god

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off

I have a cut on my leg Doc

“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”

But its a tiny cut

“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.