absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
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Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
buying dead houseplants to save time
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”