exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
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Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
