exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
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[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Matt Goss
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
I already tried new things thanks.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when