Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches

ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke

There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?

Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket

1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.

demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’

Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

I kid you not.

-Condom wearers

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.

i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please

“Pass the joint.”

-Cannibals at dinner

I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.

listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth

Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.

6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go

Twists doll head til it snaps off

Screeches “mom!!!”

Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer

One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.

me: *filling up my car with gas*

guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank

me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car

Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.

Definitely a first.

It was pretty cool.

Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long

Me: yeah that was on purpose

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.