exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
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I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Who does Amazon think I am?
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Only short people can save us
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.