Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard

[First day waiting tables]

Customer: do you have wings?

Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..

*how I slept

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume

Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?

My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming

Exits public bathroom stall

Makes eye contact with the person next in line

Mouths: “I’m so sorry”

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.

The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.

A level of petty I can get with 🤣

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.

Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.

sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel

Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.

my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.