excuse me
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Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
I am yelling
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”