excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
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Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?