excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
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GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
R.I.P.
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth